giving blow jobs now disgust me.. ewewewewew. i’m disgusted in myself. :| i’ve felt sick ever since friday night and the feeling won’t go away. 

hey, it’s been a while since i’ve really poured my heart out.. so here goes. 

george, i don’t know how i’m going to quite start this.. but just so you know, you’re one of the most amazing guys i have ever met. you know what to say at the right time, it’s odd. you make me smile so much. you have a way with words. i feel so lost every time i speak to you. i fall for you even more each time we do speak and i didn’t really think it was possible. however, i’m beginning to believe i’m either overly obsessed or in love. i have no clue. ever since we met, which is just under 2 years ago, i’ve had this urge for you. you were the most perfect human being god could have ever created. sure, you were dating somebody and i was dating somebody but that couldn’t change the way i felt for you. it was almost as if i had to have you. nick and miley, my favourite couple. hands down. but you being a nick jonas and me being a miley cyrus, made me believe that one day i would fall in love with somebody and it would be absolutely perfect. it turns out real love isn’t always cute love.. so much shit went on for us, i’d self harm over you.. you’d self harm over me, or so you said.. i still have scars, lmfao. i was bulumic and pretty much anorexic, because i somehow wanted to be perfect too. i wanted to make myself look better, just so i’d somehow attract you.. but i fucked up my body even more. i really did. anyway, that’s besides the point.. we had a lot of ups and downs when we “liked each other.” then we finally got together. i’m not quite sure how, i don’t remember.. all i remember is coming home after going to some firework display and you making my dreams came true. it didn’t feel real. it was like a dream. shortly, things messed up.. zack was a dick and told you who i was. then we admitted to each other and carried on the way we were. 3rd of january.. you told me we needed to take a break. it’s been exactly 7 months since that day.. and i still miss you like fuck. i can’t help but feel a short heart ache when i hear the name george. although when i hear the name lee, it still makes me laugh.. when i think of everything we used to be, i’d cry. just like i am now.. i know i annoy you like fuck and i’m ever so sorry. but i just wanted to let everything out in a way. you may not even read this. you may think it’s too long. but if you’ve got up until here, i want you to know i love you. i really do. no matter how much you’ve played me about, no matter how much you’ve lied to me, no matter how many other girls you’ve told you loved whilst you told me the same, i still love you. you’ve kind of made me the humorous person i am today. even though when i do try to be funny, i fail big time.. you still did turn me into a  smiley person. i know when you “liked” me, you told eliza the same. you dated that sam barks after breaking up with me, which sucked. you got with nicole. who was meant to be my best friend. she knew how much i liked you. and that tore me apart. you’ve torn me apart so many times, but i really couldn’t give a fuck. when you love someone, you can’t let them go that easily. and that’s what i’ve been trying to do ever since we met, forget about you. you mean everything to me, george. friend wise and you know.. :/ i just want you to be happy and shit. but i want to be happy too. i want to forget that i ever had feelings for you. i want to be best friends with you like before. because that was the stage where i was happiest. 

earlier on, it was raining. like, literally pouring it down. i laid here and listened to it until it stopped. i had “tell me i’m a wreck” on repeat too, quietly. i’m such a depressing person. 

george, no matter how much you’ve lied to me and hurt me.. i don’t want this post to be depressing and to mention all the bad times.. so yeah.. let’s lighten this post up a bit, shall we?
do you remember the time with johii, when we had a group msn conversation.. we were planning on having “lesbian sex” and making you watch.. then you said you jizzed and shit. ++ lmfao, that was so funny. 
or the time that you spoke to my step dad whilst he was drunk, asdfghjkl. i shall never forget that! he was such a knob. and he started calling you gorgie. -.- 
the time we were commenting over bebo, i was talking about my obsession with the name lee. haha. and then i told you i got hit in the face with a basketball and you made fun of me.. k, that isn’t much of a memory but it still makes me laugh. 
that time on flockdraw or whatever with me, you and my best friend. she was such a nooooob! but she did make the conversation pretty lively.. i remember last time too, where i drawn you and you were so lanky.. then i drawn myself and you gave me pink shoes. o.0 tf was that about?
some reason, i remember when i posted something on tumblr saying how my followers make me smile and you reblogged it saying “WHENEVER YOU SMILE, I SMILE.” and i said “no, not bieber.” or something.. and then you said “i was just saying it.” aw, that was mega cute. (a)
we caused so much facebook drama as niley, oh my god. shit going on with your emily, arguments between you and my liam. it was crazy. D: we’d flirt like fuck. which i didn’t really care about because i was all “NICK<333333” over you. jsyk, if i knew who you were back then i would have been all “GEORGEEEE♥__♥” but yeah. ++ um. 
remember the time i was texting you, i was in d+t, you were in college, you got in shit, i got in shit.. haha. then you got excluded or something and blamed me. D; you told me it was because you kept day dreaming about me or something. bitch please, i’m your worse nightmare. 
ZOMG, i remember when we hacked each others bebos. and made photo albums for one another. (a) that was pretty cute. you’re foeva’ my nick. i’m js. 
i fail at speaking with “swag”, i know. but you should teach me sometime. just so i can compete with you, yano. ;] 

it’s raining here again, sat listening to the rain and watching it hit my window edge, hmph. ~~emo moment~~ -does the bieber hair flip, with my dark side fringe- EMO BIEBUUUUR. lolk.
i was thinking earlier and shevon came to my mind.. i don’t know how you’re going to feel about me bringing this up, but jsyk.. he’s probably ever so proud of you. how strong you are and how amazing you are. i think one day, when you two reunite up in heaven, you’ll realize how proud he is of you. 

i’ve got sunshine, on a cloudy day. ♥ we’re like noughts and crosses in that, opposites always attract. ♥ i know, i’m finding it hard to breathe and i’ve been drowning in my own sleep. ♥ what am i supposed to say, when i’m all choked up and your okay? ♥ standing out in the rain, knowing that it’s really over. please don’t leave me alone. ♥ can you promise me if this was right? don’t throw it all away. ♥ now if you’re trying to break my heart, it’s working. cos you know, that should be me. ♥ i could have been easier on you, i could have been all you held on to. ♥ i feel the heat crashing down, on me. so rescue me. ♥ you are the only exception. ♥ i don’t know who i am, when you’re running circles in my head. ♥ all around her, people stare as she slowly falls apart. picking up pieces of her clumsy little heart. ♥
all of these songs make me think of you. i was just saving the best til’ last. (a)
I SEE YOU DRIVING ROUND TOWN WITH GIRL I LOVE AND I’M LIKE FUCK YOUUU. ♥ hahah. :’) 

hey george, you know that feeling when you feel as if something has just disappeared, you finally get it back and you’ve missed it more than anything? or you know that feeling where something has gone and you don’t feel anything but hatred for yourself for letting that one thing go? idek where i’m going with this but yeah, i really fucking miss you. D: as in a friend way.. i miss how we used to talk everyday. i miss how we’d tell each other everything. i miss how whenever i’d sign in, you’d be on msn. i miss how we’d talk non stop until one of us had to leave. i miss you being my bestfriend. and i miss the fact that you could make me smile, no matter what situation i was in. get back in my life? kthanx. ♥
HEY GEORGE. I WANT A CUDDLE. AND IT’S WEIRD BECAUSE I ONLY WANT A CUDDLE FROM YOU RIGHT NOW. I WANT TO BE IN YOUR ARMS AND I WANT THERE TO BE A PADLOCK SO THERE’S NO ESCAPE? BUT I WOULDN’T WANT TO ESCAPE ANYWAY. AND I’VE JUST EMBARRASSED MYSELF EVEN MORE. o.0 WHY SHARNA. 

oh and by the way, i want to let you know, you’re a really special person. and you mean the entire world to me. i also love you more than anything and anyone. you’re literally precious. and if we can’t be any more than friends again, that’s fine by me. i’d rather have you than not have you at all. you’re my best friend, no matter how far apart we are. distance and closeness.. even though you’re only in bristol but yano. D: maybe some day we’ll meet. i know last time you saw this whole page, you didn’t quite know what to say.. and i’m not sure how this whole post will make you feel.. i hope you have something to say. but i don’t know. i’m not going to be able to judge that until you give me some sort of response. 
it’s 5am and raining.. so i’m gonna go bed. but anywhore, i’m just gonna step out of your life for a while and give you some time. just so you can get away from me. xD i’m annoying, i know. just talk to me when you’re ready. i’ll speak to you whenever, george.. bye. i love you. 

fiftieth post. 

i’ve not done anything like this for ages. okay, so first of all. i’m so freaking happy but so upset at the same time. it’s so confusing. i’m in love with this guy and one guy who meant a lot to me has just had his facebook deleted. i’m kinda relieved. should i feel like this? i don’t know. it’s so confusing. i just want someone to love me. i mean, that’s desperately what i want. KILLMEOKCOOL.

you have no idea how much this hurts.